Sweet Movies #1 DEAD ALIVE

  So as much as I hate watching TV I love watching movies.

  For the most part TV is just bullshit. Let's be honest. If watching douche bag wanna be models dating people that look exactly alike isn't bad enough you can change the channel and see the same old stupid sitcom that will never be as original or funny as I Dream of Genie or Three's Company. Besides, if I see another idiot Kevin Hart ad I will burn down whatever bank he's making bad jokes for. How people think that guy is funny I will never know.

  Anyway there's a bunch of raunchy old great movies that don't feature lame SJW fat chicks shoehorned into stretchy outfits that I'm supposed to believe are somehow tougher and more deadly than say professional cage fighters. Or maybe hipster skin and bones vegans that can somehow beat the shit out of real men when any number of videos on the internet will show that is not in fact possible. I mean unless you count that fucking idiot hairdresser in Canada that roundhouse kicked a woman. Oh wait he didn't even knock her down.

  One of my favorite things to do with Ivana was to lay around and get stoned and watch awful awesome horror movies. She always said she loved horror movies but it was only to make fun of them. She wasn't really ever scared by them. She didn't jump into my arms or whatever fake ass bitches do when they watch horror movies. She loves the gore though.

  In honor of those great moments I'm going to tell you all about a few movies you should watch. 

  The first of these is Dead Alive.

  It was made by Peter Jackson.

  You know the guy who made a kid's book into a ridiculously long winded movie franchise.

  Dead Alive is way better than the Hobbit.

  This is the movie poster that got me when I was younger.

  It is a fantastic poster. It tells you everything you need to know about the movie without actually telling you a goddamn thing about it. And no this particular image never actually happens in the movie.

  The story is pretty simple but absolutely effective for what the movie is. A fucking maniacal splatterfest. Quite possibly the goriest film I've ever seen. There isn't any of the stupid rape scenes that modern horror seems to rely on. It's almost like Hollywood is trying to get us used to the idea of rape so that it won't be so horrific when they all end up getting convicted.

  Dead Alive is a love story. A love story between an awkward Australian or maybe New Zealand man who is stuck living with his terribly overbearing and annoying mother. A lot of us can get down with that. He runs into a woman who is possibly the only South American woman living in Australia or New Zealand aside from her grandmother who is like an Argentinian gypsy or something. This old lady reads some cards and tells the girl she's going to run into the great love of her life. Trust me don't ever believe that shit. So she runs into homeboy when he comes into her family non-ethnic grocery store to buy some fruit or whatever. He's a goof ball who doesn't know how to talk to chicks, especially smoldering Latinas, but she chases him down spurred on by the power of the cards.

  He agrees to a date with her.

  Originally this movie was called Brain Dead and it seems they played the romance up more in that run, which as you will find when you watch the movie was not the best way to advertise it.

   Another great poster either way though. Yes that's his mother behind them.
  Our goofball hero, who is amazing by the way, agrees to take his Latina love doll to the zoo because I guess there isn't all that much to do around there. Maybe party with his idiot drunk uncle but that comes later. So they go to the zoo but his mother must be a racist or something because she's not having her son date some Brazilian bombshell so she follows them to the zoo with every intent of cock blocking that poor son of a bitch as if she hasn't ruined his life enough already by not finding herself a husband to take care of her house.
  Little did she know the zoo has a terrifying new animal on exhibition.
  The Sumatran Rat Monkey.
  A pause for the amazing.
  As often happens when karma runs into an overbearing bitchy old lady wearing ugly shoes, she strays a bit too close to the cage and the amazing Sumatran Rat Monkey takes a big old chunk out of her.
  Of course momma uses this bite to ruin his date when she starts screaming. Starts acting like it hurts so bad. Acting like she's somehow a victim instead of the shitty old woman who won't let her son live a normal life and get some of that spicy South American sliver.
  She has trained him well because he drops his chick like a bad habit and takes his momma home.
  The wound festers.
  And shit gets real.
  I'm not going to put any spoilers in. But suffice to say if you haven't seen this movie and you're into gore then watch it.
  It's on Youtube for free so don't go waste money on it or anything.
  Save your money for the condoms you're going to use after you watch it with your own little horror starr. Or the beer you need to pump her full of to get her naked if you're a total loser.
  There's another cool poster I found for this movie that I hadn't ever seen before I started writing this so here it is. Yes, this is actually in the movie.
  So you know you've got to watch it.
  Too bad Peter Jackson made King Kong instead of doing more shit like this.